From a gal who is a stranger in her own land.
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©2003-2007
A lazy bum. Oh yes I am.
I haven't ventured outside in 2 days. With the parades and parties going on, there's really not many places I could go since they cut back the buses. It's been me and my lazy self in my place, sleeping late and waking up late. They give us a whole week off, ya know. People thought that was the funniest thing before I moved down here, but it makes sense. Students are so hungover that they need almost a week to recover.
I've been asked what I think about this. What do I think? Personally, it's fun in small doses, but I can't take days and days of partying and drunk people yelling outside my building and trying to hook beads onto my balcony and shouting at 4 a.m. and the city voluntarily shutting down for festivities. Don't get me wrong though. I've gone out, had my fun, and gotten my token souvenirs. I'll be the first to confess to literally running over little old ladies and snatching throws out of their hands. But I go to it. I don't want the craziness to come to me because I live in a nice, safe, quiet residential area. But you can hardly escape it down here. But it gets old quickly. That's just me.
However, the city NEEDS it. The people here NEED it. There's been so much debate and controversy about the festivities this year. Frankly, I surprise myself for not sitting on the fence on this one, but c'mon now. The parades, the debauchery, the tourism - this is what the city counts on. It ain't just the city government, either. So many people's livelihoods depend on this - the hotels, the hotel workers, bars, shops, people who drive the tractor trailers, even for-hire garbage men. The wound is still fresh, but the festivities aren't meant to rub salt into the wound. More than any other year, they're a desperate attempt to return to normalcy and an appeal for money.
What's more, people need to drink and to party and to do silly things like putting on wigs and shouting for beads so they can forget reality for just a few hours. Especially this year. Because the reality is that 2/3 of the city is still in darkness, 60% of the city's population has not returned, many homes remain in ruins, the air is unhealthy to breathe in, it's even more of a toxic waste dump to live in, the infrastructure is struggling to come back, there's a huge garbage problem, and FEMA continues to exhibit its incompetency.
Here we go: A self-pity party, so don't read the next 3 paragraphs if you're one of those people who thinks Gulf Coast residents should just get over ourselves and over Katrina already.
Do you know why FEMA has not given me a penny? Because FEMA has gotten so much bad rap for the job it has done that it's now going to ridiculous lengths to prevent fraud, even if that means denying assistance to people who should have gotten it. Because its computerized system was so overloaded and poorly designed that I accidentally submitted a dupe, they flagged me as suspicious without any real system to investigate such things. Because I left one question blank on my application, they denied me the initial $2000, which it was handing out to people left and right in the immediate aftermath, who obviously filled in the right blanks (although FEMA vehemently denied that). A friend of mine who lost everything got screwed over because her gay ex-roommate had filed an application; FEMA is so convinced they were lovers that they're not giving her anything. Another friend, who has lost nothing, got $4000+ in assistance money when she asked for none of it (though the FEMA rep promised that investigators will come after her for the money - how bloody likely do you think that's gonna be?). All FEMA has in place now are reps whose jobs are to deny people money - because if you haven't gotten anything, then something must be wrong with you.
Do you know what the CA bar of examiners told me the other day, when I inquired about a notice on its website indicating possible waiver/reimbursement of application fees for students affected by Katrina? Besides reminding me at least 3 times that I'd be petitioning for this "special treatment" under penalties of fraud and perjury, the woman on the phone had the gall to tell me that whatever "discount" I'd get, IF they decide to consider my case and reimburse me, would have to be fronted by other applicants (note: evey applicant is paying $1000+ per application - trust me, the state of CA is rich enough not to make anyone front anything), and that, "There's all this news of people defrauding FEMA, so we want to make sure only those who really need it get the waiver. Besides which, you've all had several months to get back on your feet now..."
Simply slapping me in the face would've been less insulting. If you're going to be nasty about it, why advertise it on the webpage? Yeah, I am sure people are tired of hearing about Katrina. You know what, I am tired hearing about it, except I can't escape it. It's on the news every single day; I am still living in the mess of an aftermath and having to deal with it. I guess I'm privileged because I was obviously well enough to be talking with this woman from the bar of examiners, but I was merely making an inquiry. She had to rub it in my face though. How's that for survivor's guilt?
I suppose it could be worse. I could be living in the Middle East or a war-torn country. But I am not. THIS is my reality and I have every right to want a better situation for myself.
So yeah, call the festivities a form of self-medication, if you will. Everyone in this town need it. Hell, even when I complain about it, I very much need it.
thus spake merserene on February 28, 2006 22:59 |
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file under living, oh no you didnt
This one is going around.
Your Linguistic Profile: |
| 60% General American English |
| 20% Dixie |
| 15% Yankee |
| 5% Upper Midwestern |
| 0% Midwestern |
20% Dixie? Well, I never...
thus spake merserene on February 26, 2006 16:59 |
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file under languages, quizzes & frou frou
None of the 4 nectarines I bought turned out right. One went bad, and the others were either totally soft with no juice or turned that yucky grey inside or are just tasteless. I really wanted some fruit, too. Should've known better than to bought a summer fruit during winter, eh?
One of my neighbors has taken to blasting her stereo and belting out tunes. Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares To You" was just on. Ew. I love music, but I'd like to enjoy my own without listening to someone else's. If the whole building can hear you, it's noise pollution!
thus spake merserene on February 26, 2006 15:09 |
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file under tutti mangia, listening, living
Cinnamon raisin and chocolate chip muffins currently in the oven.
This day has been so cold and rainy that I need some potpourri (a.k.a. baking) in my house.
Winter allergies are KILLING me though. My nose can't stop itching and I almost feel like clawing my eyes out. Ugh.
thus spake merserene on February 24, 2006 17:30 |
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file under tutti mangia, living
Sometimes you get things said about you that you just don't know quite what to make of...
A friend once told me that I looked like a cartoon character - specifically, a Sanrio character, though I can't remember which one at this point. (My Melody?) It's a compliment, really.
Someone recently told me that I'm "quirky." I think it means my tastes are eclectic; my interests, diverse. I think that's a compliment, too. Though I often get this feeling that no one can quite figure me out, and other people's inability to peg me makes them feel uncomfortable around me. They don't know if what they say will offend me, or if I will "get" what they're trying to say.
Even I don't know how to peg myself. One day, I feel half my age, and the next day, 10 years older than I am. A total introvert who can dance all night, a liberal with traditional values, a girly girl who loves makeup, geeky role-playing computer games, jewelry, fancy new gadgets, martial arts/wuxia novels, and classic rock. I swear I don't have an identity crisis.
In one of my classes, we often compare literary works or musical pieces to see if there is copyright infringement. "He's So Fine" and "My Sweet Lord," anyone? How many people around my age bracket gets these references, anyway? Ok, they may sort of know George Harrison is involved, but draw a complete blank on The Chiffons.
Today, we heard a piece from Gilbert O'Sullivan. Anyone remember him? "Alone Again"? Should I be embarrassed to say that I recognized his song immediately, but then upon hearing a rap song that sampled parts of "Alone Again," I had no clue who the rapper was, except my classmates seemed to universally know that it was some dude named Biz Markee. Who the heck is that?! Am I supposed to have heard of him somewhere?
I sit in classes with these people. I left my last job because the new lawyers being hired were beginning to be younger than me. Eek.
And right now, here I sit, listening to The Raspberries' Greatest Hits, a new addition to my CD collection (thanks to R). I had put this album on my Amazon.com Wishlist. I don't divulge my age but let's say they're supposed to be before my time.
Some days, it's no wonder why I feel like I don't quite belong, either.
thus spake merserene on February 22, 2006 23:47 |
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file under listening, oh no you didnt
Thanks to y'all for being sweet. Y'all! It's parade and fixin' season and people can be happier. Hell, I need to be.
I am not going go into how FEMA and the CA bar of examiners have $#*!ed me over these past few days. Maybe I will some time just because people NEED to know how The System continues to fail. But not right now. I am feeling better, and thinking about those things will just make me angry, break down, or both. Trying to banish bad thoughts.
On the other hand, here is one piece of news that made me giggle and shows that at least some systems are functioning properly. (Har, har.)
Behold the power of poop! An excerpt -
San Francisco, California (AP) -- City officials are hoping to harness the power of dog waste in this dog-friendly city where animal feces make up nearly 4 percent of residential waste.
Leave it to San Fran to come up with options to help the environment. Proud to represent the Left Coast!
thus spake merserene on February 22, 2006 22:47 |
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file under living, environment
In elementary school, I let someone speak badly about my parents. I was so shocked at her implication that I didn't know how to respond to her. Silently, I allowed someone to make fun of my "Asian eyes" to my face because I didn't know what to say. I let some friends play a long-term, nasty joke on me. I was too naive to believe that anyone would do something so awful to their friends, and was terribly hurt when I woke up to the truth.
In high school, a girl from my French class called me day in and day out. She wanted my notes and answers for our homework. My dad got mad at her for continuously calling me, but I couldn't understand why, and willingly gave up my work. That is, up until the point I learned to clumsily tell off this person by lying about how I hadn't done my homework yet.
In college, I allowed a guy to rebound on me, and was without any fancy tricks or feminine guile to keep him when he got tired and moved on to another person. I let another guy play me, refusing to believe he would cheat behind my back. With 6 other women, no less. It ended with me unable to confront him, but drunk as a skunk, bent over a toilet, in massive tears, and him (surprisingly) showing a rare moment of tenderness by helping me deal with the hangover.
In my working years, I let some real a-holes step all over me, going into work at insane hours because they told me to. That was sadly part of the job, but I got paid. I worked harder than most people but went without a promotion for years because they knew I was nice. Once I lent a good sum of money to a co-worker because she was short for cash. She paid me back, but that led to her talking me into lending her more money on several other occasions. I didn't know how to say no.
In my graduate years, I let a landlord convince me that the slum I lived in was habitable and that I had no other choice but to live there. I was so put off by his attitude that I avoided calling him even though my living conditions were deplorable. I got out of my lease because of a technical mistake on his part, but not before he branded himself as a man who has done me a thousand favors and tried to guilt trip me into staying. I let another landlord charge me an unconscionable amount of rent because I couldn't and didn't know how to fight her.
Yes, I am a doormat. A push over who hasn't learned how to fend for herself. I continue to allow other people to abuse and disrespect me because I'm always the deer caught in headlights, paralyzed from action because I haven't learned the ways of this world. I can't smart talk my way out of situations. I hate conflicts. It takes me time to react, which is why I don't know how to come up with a good retort at the very moment that warrants one. I let repressed feelings brew, realizing that I've been screwed over only when I've been screwed and it's over. I haven't learned very much in my years. One thing I did learn is that I'm generally a sympathetic person, but if you hurt or disrespect me, I do not forgive or forget. A fancy education can't teach you some things. Nor can it change your nature.
Unfortunately for me, it's still easier to speak up for other people. In the end, no one will fend for me except for myself. I'm trying.
thus spake merserene on February 21, 2006 01:26 |
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file under oh no you didnt
Seriously. Don't keep going down that road.
thus spake merserene on February 19, 2006 21:42 |
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file under oh no you didnt
Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars
While I was over at the office on Friday, my friend A. got off his cell phone and started venting to me.
"My friend X is coming to town from NY," he said, "and we were supposed to go restaurant Y this evening. But my girlfriend really doesn't want to go."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well, she doesn't like friend X. Something about X not being nice to her, so she doesn't want to go."
"Oh?"
"My friend X and I hadn't emailed for a while, and about 3 months after we had to evacuate, I got this email from her asking me, 'WHY haven't you told me how you've been?' And I was wondering, why haven't YOU called me to see how I've been, since I was the one who had to abandon my home."
"That was a bit weird," I commented.
"Yeah, I guess it was. But you know, I just want everyone to get along!"
"Ah," I smiled. "I'm afraid not, A., unless a miracle happens. If your girlfriend feels X has been rude to her then I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't want to go. The relationship between 2 women is delicately tenuous. If one sets it off on the wrong foot then it's probably going to go down hill from there."
"Yeah? So I guess we'll try to do something else then. Restaurant Y seems to be booked for tonight anyway."
* * *
It's a rare thing to find someone who has shared remarkably similar life experiences as you. Only last night did I find this out about my new friend, M, whom I met last semester. We sort of knew we had similar interests in movies, so I asked her if she wanted to see one with me. It turned out to be a nice evening; we had dinner afterwards, and we learned just how similar we are. Apart from sharing the same name, our tastes in movies and men are alike, we're both only children, both worked in the same field for the same number of years before starting our first year here - though I'm a senior and she's just started - both went to elite liberal arts colleges, have the same ideas about our experiences, both love food, both are flexible and aware of the other's needs and feelings, and we obviously ended up at the same schools, twice. Not to mention she is hapa and I've often been mistaken for a hapa (including by her). There was a connection from the start.
We talked about our Asian parents. Asian parents are in a category all by themselves. Kinda like Jewish grandmothers.
"Since you're an only child too, your parents must be pretty protective of you," I said. "You know, they really don't have anyone else to fret about."
"Yeah, really. My mom has this interesting idea about men. She told me, 'If you have a man, you need to dress up nicely, put on some makeup, make yourself pretty so you can keep him with you. Otherwise they'd go off and look at other women.'"
"Really! So she thinks men are easily distracted?" I asked.
"It's like she thinks men aren't smart enough, so you have to bait them. To keep their attention."
"Heh. My mom's never said that to me."
"Well, I don't really take very many advices from my mom," M said, "but this one I do listen to. By the way, I need more water. I ate too much salty popcorn."
thus spake merserene on February 19, 2006 15:45 |
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file under friends, family, living
Woke up only about 30 minutes ago. Didn't sleep too well last night - I recall waking up to cough several times, then falling back to sleep. Still coughing. It's not seasonal allergies, either.
I love my friends and love hanging out with them, but I really wish they wouldn't all smoke. One non-smoker (me) at a table with 4 other smokers, plus people at other tables...it was hard to sit in a position where I could escape from it. After several hours of it, my lungs, throat, head, and eyes very much tell me they're unhappy with me. Right now I wish there is something to suck all of this crap out of my system because I can still feel it.
I don't get it. I also don't understand "social smokers," people who smoke only when they drink. If you don't need to during everyday life, why do you need to when you have alcohol?
There's got to be a different type of venue for people to hang out, but down here, you can hardly escape from bars.
thus spake merserene on February 18, 2006 07:49 |
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file under friends, oh no you didnt
Whoa. I take back what I said about Yevgeny Plushenko. In my years of watching figure skating and the Olympics, I never really liked him very much; he was this guy who skated with precision but without emotions, and he was this guy with a weird haircut who looked like he still needed to hit puberty several years ago. But that quad-triple-double combo he just landed made me speechless. That, coupled with his back story.
One good thing that can be said about NBC's coverage is that it has tried to provide background stories for the athletes. I remember when it did not and the entire Olympics were a USA love fest.
Plushenko came from a poor family, so poor that his parents had to collect cans to sell just so they could eat. Because the skating rink in his hometown closed, he had to move 1000 miles away from home, at the age of 11, in order to train. It's no wonder this guy has shown so little emotion during competitions. I can't imagine leaving home and foregoing childhood. It was so sweet to hear him thanking his parents by saying that without them, he would be nothing.
Now I'm sad I missed his short program, but I do hope he is rewarded justly for his sacrifices.
thus spake merserene on February 16, 2006 18:59 |
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file under watching
What is it with people who walk away with other people’s belongings?
thus spake merserene on February 15, 2006 17:32 |
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file under living, oh no you didnt
